


The Five Times Karma Realized That She Might Be In Love With Amy (And The One Time She Finally Did Something About It)

by forbiddenquill



Category: Faking It (TV 2014)
Genre: A different take on how I want Karma's feelings to develop, F/F, because lbr karma is going to have feelings for amy in the second half of season 2
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-11
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-06 20:29:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3147602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forbiddenquill/pseuds/forbiddenquill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karma had always been sure that she loved Amy. </p><p>But everything had changed. And Karma was pretty sure that her definition of "I love you" to Amy was one of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Don't You Get It?

**Author's Note:**

> There are going to be two parts every chapter so all in all, there will only be three chapters. I hope you enjoy this! I had a lot of fun writing about it, since Jealous!Karma is always awesome to write about. Leave some kudos and post your comments--I enjoy reading them!

**i.**

Karma first realized it after having sex with Liam.

The sex itself had been quite normal, even a bit dull. A few kisses here and there, Liam’s hands clumsily groping for skin, some thrusts and a hissed “ _Fuck”_ from his lips. Then it was over. Karma should’ve felt something— _anything_ —but all she felt was the gaping pit of agony in her stomach at the realization that she was missing _something_.

Liam had fallen asleep on the couch, Karma on top of him. It wasn’t entirely comfortable; he had felt too broad and too warm but he hadn’t said anything in the past few minutes and Karma was exhausted so she didn’t have much of a choice at the thought of taking a few hours off, especially after the day she had.

And then she had dream.

That _stupid_ fucking dream.

Reagan and Amy were inside that stupid tent and Reagan had been kissing Amy with a sort of passion that even Karma sort of breathless just by watching. It almost looked as if Reagan _loved_ Amy with all of her might, which was wrong because Karma was the one who loved Amy, was the one who knew the blonde like the back of her hand, was the one who stayed up all night just talking to the other girl. It was hilarious to think that Reagan could compare but that was thing, really—because how could Karma even have the nerve to compare herself to Amy’s girlfriend, especially after she had told Amy that she didn’t return her feelings? 

It was confusing enough but then Reagan had magically transformed into Karma and _now_ it was confusing as hell. They had whispered the same words back when they had first kissed in the Gym. Karma still got chills whenever she remembered ( _Whoa_. _I know_.) Karma had leaned forward then, kissing Amy with the same intensity Reagan had and it was hot and sweaty and it was definitely better than watching Reagan make out with Amy. Karma felt as if her brain was running around in circles.

And then the dream shifted, Karma had transformed into Liam.

Watching them kiss had been sickening, since it was Karma’s ex-boyfriend and her sort-of-still best friend going at it together. Feelings of betrayal and hurt rose like a bitch, slapping her across the face so hard that she almost felt like crying, which was stupid really because Karma _hated_ crying; Zen used to tease her because of it. The dream had thankfully ended.

The confusion didn’t. In fact, it lingered long after she woke up.

When she opened her eyes, she felt as if a veil had been pulled from her vision. Liam’s steady breathing against her hair was somehow comforting. It felt nice to know that she wasn’t alone in this creepy art room, especially with all of the paintings staring back at her. His soft heartbeat calmed her down. She suddenly had the wild urge to scream but she didn’t.

She sat up and ran her fingers through her hair, untwisting the knots and fixing the curls. She looked down at Liam, who was still asleep underneath her. The feelings of hurt and betrayal and anger she had experienced from the dream came back in a rush. Some part of her subconscious wanted to claw at his chest but she satisfied herself by clenching her fists instead. She bit her lower lip so hard she drew blood. Then she slid from the couch, picking up pieces of her clothing along the way. She felt sick, dirty and tainted. She wanted to wash off the guilt and humiliation from her skin. She couldn’t even bear to look at her reflection in a jagged piece of mirror somebody had apparently thought of as art.

Sleeping with Liam had been a moment of weakness. After the emotional rollercoaster Amy had put her through (Karma could still remember her words, as clear as glass, saying “ _I’ve been in love with you since the day we met_ ”) she needed an outlet. A willing Liam had been the perfect choice. But now she felt like absolute shit. She had to wonder if Amy felt the same way after waking up next to the same person Karma had just recently fucked.

Once she finished changing, she turned around to find a rousing Liam Booker. A sheet covered the lower part of his body, which Karma was grateful for. He rubbed his eyes and blinked at her, looking at her with a pained expression.

“You okay?” he asked, his voice husky.

Karma didn’t trust herself to speak so she crossed her arms and simply looked back at him. He sat up and fixed his hair, his eyes miserable.

“This was just sex,” he said wearily. “I know. This meant nothing.”

“Did you mean it?” she asked suddenly.

He tilted his head to the side, looking confused. “Mean what?” he asked.

“When you told me you loved me, did you mean it?” Karma rephrased and she saw his shoulders tense. A cold fist reached out and squeezed her heart but it lasted only for a second. His moment of hesitation cleared her thoughts from any doubt.

( _Maybe we should marry each other. I would kill to spend the rest of my life with that person. Karma, step off the edge with me. I could never hate you. I started to have hope; hope that you were starting to realize that your Prince Charming was Princess Sarcasm. I've been in love with you since the day we met.)_

“I did,” Liam said quickly, realizing that he had basically been shot in the foot. He moved to stand from the couch but she waved him down. “Karma, you need to understand—”

Karma turned and grabbed her bag from the floor. Liam sat there, immobilized and she barely gave him a glance. Even though she was still plenty confused, something was clear and it jumped at her vision like it was most obvious thing in the world. She needed to get the hell away from Liam Booker. She knew, with a resounding clarity, that when you loved someone, you didn’t leave them behind. Even if they hated you or if they loved you, you just didn’t. And Liam had been planning to leave Austin. And Karma was now leaving him.

When she walked away from the art room, she thought about the differences between Liam and Amy. It didn’t take long for her to realize who really cared for her.

**ii.**

The second time she realized it, she was sitting in class.

Ever since her confession at the theatre, nearly everybody at school hated her guts. Most of the time, she received glares but other occasions, she got slips of paper with the words  _Faux Lesbian_ and  _Social Climber_ written across the front. Other people just had all the time in the world to make her feel like shit even though she already did, apparently. She didn't blame them, though. She hated herself as much as they did. 

So when she walked in on her Chemistry class, the chatter in the room died down. Karma felt the daggers stab her back repeatedly as she moved to the last bench in the room, where a couple of students scooted off to another table to leave her alone. They acted like she had some sort of terminal cancer, which kind of hurt since she had spent most of her life trying to fit in. Now she was just an outcast again. She put her bag on the table, sat down and stared determinedly at her hands. She wondered what she looked like to the rest of the school.  _Faux Lesbian._ The girl who had drug dealers for parents. The girl who got arrested in front of the whole school. The  _Social Climber_. A lot of other painful stuff rose but she pushed them down, trying to ignore her low self-esteem. 

She wasn't the least bit surprised when Amy walked in and sat next to her. After having confessed to sleeping with Liam, Amy had been relentless in her pursuit for reconciliation. But for Karma, it had been quite hard to look at her best friend in the eye. The anger and betrayal were always underneath the surface, bubbling in the deepest parts of her heart. But Amy had apologized and Liam hadn't but at least he was gone and everything should be back to normal. 

Except it wasn't. 

Because sleeping with Liam had opened up a whole new world of guilt in her chest. Because Amy hated him and Karma had slept with the fucking douchebag, even though she dumped him like trash afterwards. It ate her up in the inside, to know that she had probably once again betrayed Amy's heart, the same way she had after the wedding. Even though Amy was seeing someone else, Karma knew that she shouldn't have done it. And settling in next to guilt was pain. Pain, because Karma was still hurting after the Liam and Amy fiasco. Everything hurt for her. 

(She still kept her half of their friendship necklace in her pocket all of the time but it seemed to add more load to the weight in her chest) 

"Morning," Amy said cautiously. Her hair was tied in a ponytail, showing the freckles on the back of her neck. Her green eyes were bright. She was wearing a flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. Karma's chest tightened at the sight of her best friend looking so pretty. 

"Hi," she said in return. She drummed her fingers against the table, looking at Amy carefully and waiting for her reaction. 

Amy smiled uncertainly. "Are you okay?" 

Karma stilled her hand. "Not really," she said, her mouth twitching. She could, after all, always be brutally honest with Amy. Unless things changed. She hoped that they didn't. Amy was her constant, after all. 

The other girl turned around in her seat to face her. Amy's mouth was tucked in a frown. Karma couldn't bear to look at her. 

"What's wrong?" the blonde asked. 

Karma's throat clogged at the thought of explaining how she felt because she was sure that she didn't know. At  _all._ She didn't know if she was still upset at Amy for sleeping with Liam, even though she hardly cared for the other boy anymore. (It was refreshing to think she could move on from someone who wasn't worth moving on from) She didn't know if she was terrified of losing Amy; she didn't know if she was jealous of Reagan; she didn't know what that jealously meant--if it was a friendly territorial feeling or something completely different. Fuck it, she didn't know anything. 

All she knew was that she was confused and it was because of the person sitting next to her. 

"Oh, you know," she mumbled, "Stuff. My parents. This school. Just... _stuff_." 

Amy didn't look convinced. Karma didn't exactly blame her. She was an expert liar but whenever she was around Amy, the truth always seemed to come out. 

"Are you sure?" Amy persisted. 

Karma's throat clogged again. 

"I'm sure," she said, offering a weak smile. 

Before Amy could respond, the teacher walked in and everybody quieted down. Karma shifted a few inches to the right, using her bag as the barrier between them both. Amy looked hurt at the action but Karma ignored her, even though her heart felt like it was about to burst from her chest.

They had to answer an activity, which Karma thought was boring. They had to turn off their phones because this activity was worth 10% of their grade, which Karma thought was boring. She slouched over the table and focused on her work, trying hard not to think about anything except for the words in front of her, which proved to be futile when the teacher said that they could pair up. Her heartbeat picked up when Amy leaned closer to her. 

"Is this okay?" the blonde asked. 

Karma clenched her jaw. "It's fine." 

It wasn't. Karma was well aware of Amy's movements, of how she played with her pen and of how she sat in her chair, shoulders slouched forward. She glanced over at her best friend every now and then, staring at the shape of her face and the curve of her nose. She always knew how beautiful Amy was but she never quite knew how much that beauty affected her. 

Until now. 

"Do you have the answer to five?" Amy asked, leaning close. 

Karma glanced down at her work. She hadn't even answered number one yet. 

"No," she told Amy, sighing as she ran her fingers through her hair. 

Amy looked over at her paper, frowning. A little crease appeared between her eyebrows and Karma felt something in her chest tighten. Her mouth suddenly felt dry and she had to wonder why on earth her body was reacting strangely. It wasn't as if Amy was some cute boy who just happened to pass by her. Cute boys reminded her of Liam and Liam reminded her of Amy sleeping with him--and she had to stop that train of thought from going further. She took a deep breath instead. 

"Do you need some help?" Amy asked. 

Karma looked at her with a hint of exasperation. "Can't I just copy from you?" 

"God, Karma." Amy's bottom lip stuck out in a pout; she looked outrageously adorable. "How are you going to learn from that?" 

"That's easy; I don't." 

Amy snorted and Karma grinned. A sort of welcome familiarity had seeped into the conversation, making Karma feel as if everything was normal again, and that nothing had changed. It was refreshing and nice and she wished it could last. 

But then Amy smiled and reality hit her all over again. 

"Fine," the blonde said, unaware of how Karma was staring at her. She pulled the worksheet closer, glaring at it so hard that Karma wondered if the paper would spontaneously combust. 

"Fine, what?" Karma asked, finding her voice again. It sounded strange even to her own ears. " ' _Fine, I'll help you out_ ' or _'Fine, you can copy my work'_?" 

Amy's mouth twitched as she shook her head. "Second option," she answered. 

"You seriously have no idea how much I love you right now," Karma said without a second's pause and Amy almost stopped moving. 

It was always what Karma said every time Amy did something for her, like do her homework and purposely piss off Zen and Amy always laughed at the words, before saying the same endearment like, "I love you too, asshole" or "I know, so you should probably buy me ice cream later" but now, she didn't. Instead, she fiddled with the edge of her notebook and cleared her throat, looking away. Karma's heart fell to her toes. 

But before Amy could ruin her forever, she said, "I know." She paused, glancing at Karma from the corner of her eye and then adding, "and I love you too." 

Karma closed her eyes briefly and clenched her fists. Nothing was the same. Everything had changed. Amy gave her one last look before moving to the side and doing the activity. Karma glared at her rolled hands, aware that they were slightly shaking. The other girl was writing furiously and Karma wanted to tell her to calm down but she was too busy repeating the phrase,  _"No, you don't_ get  _it; I_ love  _you"_ over and over again. 

She wasn't entirely sure if she got it herself. 


	2. Don't Leave Me Behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was used to change; her parents were always switching from one thing to another, upgrading and degrading their Good Karma truck; Zen had been a constant part of her life and then he was gone the next, off to being the good child (even though he was fucking adopted); she had zoomed up the popular list at Hester and dropped at the next instant. She was used to change; she was fine with it. But when it came to Amy—well, she didn’t handle things like a mature 16 year old should.

**iii.**

The third time she realized it, it was because of Reagan. 

Amy and Karma had been studying for a long test that night but halfway through it, Karma had closed their books shut and declared for a movie marathon, claiming that studying about cosines was boring as fuck. Amy wholeheartedly agreed and after dumping their books and notebooks at the foot of Amy's bed, Karma pulled in her laptop and started up  _Into The Woods_. Amy disappeared for like ten minutes before coming back with an armful of popcorn and potato chips, a toothy grin plastered across her face. Karma loved her for that. 

They settled in Amy's bed and Karma clapped her hands so that the lights switched off. Like routine, Karma leaned her head against the blonde's shoulder, even though she hesitated a little bit. Amy didn't seem to notice. In fact, she fiddled around, giving Karma the impression that she was looking for something before intertwining their fingers together with a small satisfied sound. Karma's heart pounded heavily but she scolded herself for it; this is what they did long before they found out boys existed for romantic relationships. 

She could feel Amy's smile against her hair and she closed her eyes briefly, her lips parting at the realization that once upon a time, this is what Amy wanted. 

She was starting to wonder if she wanted this too. 

It was nice, watching Chris Pine and Anna Kendrick singing their emotions out. Karma wished she could do the same. She wanted to vent out some bottled emotions, since they seemed intent in making her feel like shit even more. Her thoughts ran as the movie dragged on. She tried to focus on the screen but the music was starting to make her drowsy and Amy's steady heartbeat under her cheek seemed like a lullaby. When she closed her eyes, it only felt like a second. 

But then Amy nudged her shoulder and said, "Don't you dare fall asleep on me now, horndog." She paused, turning away to clap her hands. The lights came back on and Karma stirred. "Come on, I watched reruns of  _The Notebook_ with you." 

Karma opened her eyes and leaned back, fighting back a yawn. The movie was nearly over. Amy was looking at her exasperatedly.

"Sorry," Karma mumbled, "I've had a long life." 

"Hmm, Chris Pine usually helps you out with that," Amy said, peering at her closely. "Is something wrong?" 

Karma stopped moving. Amy was looking at her the same way she had been looking at her for the past few weeks now. Hell, she had the same look on her face when she said, " _I've been in love with you since the day we met_." And Karma felt like she was falling off the edge of a cliff, her scream dying in her throat once she realized just how sharp the bottom was. She willed the thoughts away and closed her eyes, her mouth going dry. 

"I told you," she insisted, forcing a small smile. "It's just  _stuff_." 

"Yeah, and I'm Taylor Swift." 

"You could be, with your blonde hair. But Taylor's way more optimistic than you are. And prettier." 

Amy smiled, her eyes suddenly lighting up. Karma felt her own lips twitch. "Whatever, buttface." She stopped smiling then, a vulnerable look falling over her features. Karma's chest tightened just at the sight of it. "But seriously, though—what's bother—"

She was cut off when her phone rang. Karma's heart dropped all the way down to the ground. Because she knew that ringtone anywhere. It was probably Amy's all time favorite song and she had tuned it in with Reagan. The fact hurt. It hurt a lot more than Karma would've thought possible. 

The corner of Amy's lips twitched and she stopped saying whatever she was going to say, pulling out her phone and giving Karma an apologetic look. Karma shrugged, gesturing for her to answer it and once again, Amy's face was graced with a smile that Karma once thought only she could pull. Well, she was dead wrong. She watched as Amy slid off the bed and moved to the hallway, her voice bright and chirpy as she conversed with Reagan. Karma twisted her fingers with the sheet of the bed, wondering why on earth watching her best friend be happy with someone else felt so wrong. 

After clapping her hands to switch off the lights, she crossed her arms and leaned back against her pillows, staring at the stars in Amy's ceiling. They were always beautiful and Karma could still remember the day they had installed them, which was when they were still ten years old. Amy had been absolutely delighted when Karma showed up at the door with the lights in one hand and a huge bag of donuts in the other. She could still remember the way Amy had hugged her tightly and the way she had whispered, " _Oh my God, I love you so much right now_." The memory burned a hole in her chest and Karma felt the tears sting the back of her eyes. Everything had seemed so  _easy_ back then. She might've not known what her future held but at least she knew that Amy would be right next to her. And now, she wasn't so sure. She wished they could go back to the past, before Shane Harvey outed them to the school and before she thought was in love with Liam Booker.

When Amy came back, Karma had to furiously wipe away the tears from her eyes before the blonde could see them.

"Hey, is it okay if we cut this short?" Amy asked, settling back next to Karma. Karma didn't budge but she felt something in her chest constrict. "Reagan wants to take me to this new bar and I was wondering if you wanted to be driven home? Like, two birds in one stone, right?" 

Karma sat up, pulling away from Amy's reaching hand and trying to play it off by rubbing the back of her neck. Amy awkwardly drew her hand back, looking hurt. 

"It's cool," Karma said, shrugging. "I can always just walk." 

Amy gave her a look. "No, you moron," she said fiercely, "I'm not going to let my best friend walk in the middle of the night with nothing but her purse as protection!" 

"I can always stay here."

Amy's glare became a bit harsher. "You  _can't_. My mom plus you will equate into an atomic explosion," she remarked and Karma had to smile at that one, even though Amy couldn't see it. "If you add Lauren into the mix, it'll be like World War III." 

Karma clapped her hands, so that she could see Amy's face more clearly. The other girl was looking at her as if Karma had suggested a threesome. Which she once did. For a brief moment, she wondered if Amy would agree to a threesome involving Reagan and Karma but she pushed the thought away. Amy would burn her alive if she suggested something as ludicrous as that. 

Karma wouldn't have minded, if given the chance. 

"Fine," Karma said, seeing no alternative in the matter. Some part of her was a bit pissed off at Reagan for cutting their movie marathon short. (Well, it wasn't as if she had been paying attention in the first place.)  _Still_ , Reagan was taking away her precious time for patching things up with Amy. They had gone through a rough patch together, back in jail and Karma was determined to fix it, the same way she had been determined to make everything with Liam work. 

 _That was a mistake_ , she thought to herself as she slid off the bed and moved to grab her books from the ground. Amy helped.

"Did I do something to make you upset?" Amy asked as she piled all of her worksheets in one heaping. 

Karma looked at her sharply. "What makes you think that?"

Amy's fingers were slightly shaking as they moved over Karma's Trig book. Karma noticed, since she couldn't bear to look at Amy's face, choosing instead to focus on her hands. 

"For starters, you're not as chatty as you used to be," she said, "and you're acting weird, like germaphobe-weird. What, do I have like Ebola or something?" 

Karma let out a surprised laugh but the sadness in Amy's eyes sobered her quickly. "It's not that," she said, reaching out and taking Amy's hand in hers, tracing Amy's name over and over again against her skin. The blonde seemed to calm down at the gesture but she was waiting for her answer and Karma didn't have one. What came to mind was  _It's not you, it's me_ but Amy wouldn't have believed her. She considered telling her the truth, that she was having a problem trying to digest her confusing feelings and that she was a bit angry at Reagan. But then things would become more complicated and Karma didn't need that. 

Instead, she said, "It's just Liam. Ever since he and I broke up, he's been a moping mess. It's making me guilty."

Amy's face pinched. It always did whenever Liam's name was mentioned. Karma wished she could take back what she said but before she could, Amy was already saying,

“I’m sorry I ruined that for you.”

“You didn’t ruin anything,” Karma was quick to insist, reaching out and curling her fingers around Amy’s hand. “In fact, you actually saved me from a horrible mistake.”  _I wish you could save me out of this one,_  she thought when she saw Amy’s lips lift in a smile. She felt her heart break at the lie but she forced herself to seem happy. 

"I thought you wanted him," Amy said, pouting. 

"Well, you know me," Karma said, flipping her hair to the side, "I never know what I want." 

Amy was about to say something but then her phone chimed and Farrah's voice rang out from below:  _"Amy, your girlfriend's here_!" Amy cracked a smile, a smile that made Karma both happy and sad. She didn't know which emotion was stronger. She chose to ignore it instead. She grabbed her stuff, shoved it into her bag and followed Amy out the door, carefully shutting the door behind her. Amy was waiting for at the top of the stairs, raising an eyebrow when Karma turned to look at her. 

"You okay there, Grouchy Pants?" the blonde asked. 

Karma shrugged. "Why wouldn't I be?" 

Amy hooked her thumb through her belt, tilting her head to the side thoughtfully. “Well, the last time you and Reagan last saw each other, I nearly died so—”

Karma waved off the reminder, her face pinching. “It’s nothing, really.”

Amy stepped closer, determination plain in her eyes. Her hands shot out to rest against Karma’s shoulders and Karma had to force herself not to melt at the touch. There was just something about the way Amy’s eyebrows furrowed and the way her lips set in a straight line that reminded Karma why she had one of the best friend in the world.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Karma smiled; it was hard not to, whenever Amy was around.  _I’m afraid I can’t tell you this one_ , she thought to herself.

Reagan’s smile was a bit frosty when they both came down the stairs. Karma muttered a “Hey, Reagan” before shooting out of the door and into the night outside, coming to a stop by Reagan’s truck. She refused to look over at Reagan and Amy but curiosity got the best of her and she glanced at the two of them, something in her chest shattering when she saw Amy lean forward and kiss the older girl.

 _There’s got to be a legal age limit for dating older girls_ , she thought to herself as she placed her bags at the back portion of the car, knowing that there was no way she was going to squeeze in front with the two lovebirds. As she waited for them, she contented herself to look at Reagan’s car, knowing that there was no point in trying to look for drugs or marijuana inside. Amy would never forgive her if she suddenly went snooping around.

She was finally happy and Karma couldn’t bear to ruin that for her.

They finally came around by the time Karma had stopped counting the cracks on the pavement. Amy had her hand looped around Reagan’s and they were both smiling, looking sickeningly in love. Karma thought that she might lose her lunch  _and_  dinner. Were she and Liam ever  _that_  gross?

Reagan barely gave Karma a glance as she slid into the front seat. Amy lingered by and gave her an apologetic look.

“Sorry,” she said, “She’s still a bit pissed at you.”

“Can’t blame her.” Karma was surprised at the sadness and bitterness in her own tone. Amy more so.

“You did nothing wrong, Karm,” Amy told her fiercely.

Karma looked away before climbing into the back of the truck, her entire body screaming with agony at the thought of Amy still reassuring even until now, when their entire high school life had messed up. She bit her lip, hearing Amy slide into the shotgun seat and wondering if there was some part of the other girl that hated her guts.  

Because Karma hated her own guts too.

As the truck started, Karma leaned her head against the back, staring at the stars she used to point out to Amy when they were kids. Even though the glass window pane, she could hear Reagan’s outrageous music filling the silence and she smiled to herself, knowing how much Amy hated Metal.

She played with her fingers as the truck drove on and as she thought of Amy looking at her with those steely green eyes of hers, she wondered what it would’ve been like if she had told Amy that she loved her the same way.

**iv.**

Fourth time. Fourth realization.            

And the realization came like a punch to the gut.

She hadn’t realized just how much would change once Amy got a girlfriend.

She had just thought that it would mean that Amy would be happier than usual.

She hadn’t thought that it would mean less time spending with the other girl, more time talking about Reagan, less movie marathons, more conversations on the phone instead of face-to-face, less “How are you’s” from each other and more “Where’s your better half” from other people.

She hadn’t seen Amy for two weeks straight now. She was used to change; her parents were always switching from one thing to another, upgrading and degrading their  _Good Karma_  truck; Zen had been a constant part of her life and then he was gone the next, off to being the good child (even though he was fucking adopted); she had zoomed up the popular list at Hester and dropped at the next instant. She was used to change; she was fine with it. But when it came to Amy—well, she didn’t handle things like a mature 16 year old should.

It ultimately sucked, having the Teen Moms as her play dates for lunch and sitting alone in the bus stop with nothing but her music to keep her company. Ever since Reagan had come along, a hole in her chest had appeared and when Reagan stuck around, the hole got deeper and deeper, until Karma was pretty sure that there was nothing inside of her except memories of  _before_.

She missed Amy. She missed her so much that she spent nights crying on her pillow, wiping away the tears and hiding the redness of her eyes with some eye shadow by next morning. She missed her so much that she spent hours in class thinking of conversations they could’ve had if Amy had actually gone to the only class they had together; which was English. She missed her so much that she could barely go through the day without acknowledging the gaping hole in her chest.

The word  _longing_  came to mind more than a few times. Karma knew that she longed for Amy but she didn’t what  _exactly_  what she was longing for. She had thought that she had missed Amy simply because they were best friends and because they had  _never_  spent a day or two without contacting each other. But that didn’t seem right. She tried to put it in easier terms but the only sentence that felt right was this: she missed Amy simply because she loved her.

But even  _that_  felt too complicated. 

She walked around with that kind of ache in her chest and the more time that was spent alone instead of being with her best friend, the ache burrowed deeper and deeper. She hated it; she hated being alone and without company. She hated a lot of things apparently; she hated Liam, she hated Reagan, she hated everything that had kept her from Amy.

Most of all, she hated herself. For driving Amy away. For being the boundary that stood in front of her own happiness. There was nobody else to blame but herself; hell, she couldn’t even blame Liam for deciding to sleep with Amy. She was the one who drove him to do it. She was the one who somehow got everything to go wrong.

Apparently, she wasn’t the only one who thought that.

It was Wednesday and she was sitting alone on top of the roof, because she didn’t want anybody to find her wallowing in her own misery. She stayed well out of the edge (just the thought of looking down at the ground made her stomach churn) and she ate her lunch in silence. The wind blew her hair from her face and she could feel her half of the friendship necklace against her pocket. It seemed to burn a hole in her jeans.

She was about to finish her lunch when the door swung open and none other than Shane Harvey walked in.

“Ha! Found you.” He dropped his bag and plopped into the empty space next to her. He was wearing an expensive looking scarf and red jeans and his hair was carelessly tousled, his lips swollen. It didn’t take long for her to piece together that he just came back from a make-out session. The thought reminded her of when she and Liam used to sneak around but she forced that train of thought to stop.

“Are you here to gloat in my misery as well?” she asked snidely.

Shane looked offended. “Am I not allowed to spend time with the person who broke my best friend’s heart?”

“He broke my heart first.”

Shane tilted his head to the side. “Are you sure about that?”

Karma remembered the night of the wedding. “Oh, right.” She shrugged, picking at the crumbs of her sandwich. “Well, that was the past. I’m sure he’s already flaunting around somebody else.”

Shane frowned. “You’re not even going to fight for him?”

“I can’t right now, Shane.”

He looked shocked and mildly confused. Karma glanced at him from the corner of her eye before finishing her sandwich. She patted her jeans and then rubbed her hands together, already thinking about her queue in Netflix. She was about to stand but then Shane pulled her down by the wrist.

“Wait,” he said, “what does this mean? Are you over Liam already?”

Karma looked him dead in the eye, her jaw set. “He wasn’t worth getting over with.”

“What the hell are you talking about? He’s a great guy!”

“Great guys  _don’t_ —” she wrenched her hand from his grip; her teeth gritted—“sleep with their girlfriend’s best friend.” The anger she had been keeping down, the anger that mirrored the same anger she felt when she found out about Liam and Amy rose and snapped like a viper. She chose Shane to vent.

“That was a mistake and you  _know_  he was sorry.” Even Shane looked confused when he started defending his own best friend.

“I  _never_  heard an apology from him. For all I care, he enjoyed it! Maybe Amy was the one he was pining for and not  _me_! He looked me in the eye and said the words that made my entire world crumble. And all he wanted in return was for me to run back into his arms, even though he had wrecked a decade-long friendship! So I stand by my choice of words—he wasn’t worth it.”

Now Shane looked pissed. “ _Hey_ , you were the one who went after him first and you broke Amy’s heart in the process.”

Karma stood from the ground, feeling as if a volcano was just  _dying_  to explode in her chest. “Well, biggest mistake of my life.”

There were two patches of red against Shane’s cheeks as he, too, stood up. “Maybe you should be the one apologizing! You ruined their happiness, Karma. Liam threw away a chance to leave this school just so that you could walk away a free woman; Amy risked her relationship to save your friendship! How the hell can you be so selfish?” 

“Well, I’m confused and I don’t know what I want!” But Karma was already starting to feel shitty; her arms felt like lead.

“You can’t keep using that excuse, Karma.” Now Shane was picking his bag from the floor, kicking the door open. Karma watched him go but before he could leave, he hesitated at the top of the steps, looking back at her once more. “You’re confused, huh? Maybe you’ll understand how it feels like to be in Amy’s shoes.”

And he left.

And Karma felt as if he had thrown a punch at her before leaving. She sat back down again, a bit roughly because her ass hurt. She put her head in her hands and tried to slow down her rapid breathing. Everything was so confusingly dizzy and the only thing that calmed her down was the thought of Amy, looking at her with those green eyes of hers and saying the words that kept making her swoon.

“ _I’ve been in love with you since the day we met_.”

Karma couldn’t understand why she kept coming back to that sentence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this!


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